This is Me

I don't have any friends to tell my story to, so here you go, world:

I've known I was gay for a really really long time. I remember I was about 7 and I ran home telling my sisters that I liked this girl in my class - their reaction? speechless. I remember being 9 and writing in my diary how I've come to terms with myself and I remember when my sister was about to read it and I ripped it up so quickly.

I've always told myself it's wrong and I (being the hypocrite I am) still think it's wrong. I know I know I know I might not make it to heaven because of this and I'm such an asshole because of my philosphy:

Even though I'm going to hell, I'm going down a good person and for that I've really stopped myself from enjoying my life as I know I should. I've restricted my own freedom.

I'm 20 now and I have not ever been in a relationship and I've never kissed a girl.

I'm not one who have had a churchy upbringing nor do I go to church regularly but I've been there and I just don't know what to think about being gay. I try to get rid of the thought that it's a spititual thing because it just doesn't make sense. I didn't choose to be this way...I can't control the feelings I get around an attractive girl vs an attractive guy, I've tried, I've really tried to un-gay myself but it just doesn't work. How the hell did this happen?

Ah, life at it's best, eh?

I think it's unfair someimes.

I see people on TV or on Facebook who come out or who live their lives freely, enjoying, partying a gay clubs, living for the moment and I'm just at home with my homophobic family - alone. What gets me too is that people who I've known were supposedly straight all their lives, have only recently crossed over to this side and they're jumping from relationship to relationship living young, wild and free and I've been gay for 13 years and have not gotten the joy of connecting with another girl. I mean, where do they even find another lesbian in this homophobic country? haha

I guess it's all my fault too, I should have gone out a little more.

The closest thing I've gotten to lesbianism is lesbian porn! ...I don't even enjoy that though.

As I grew older and my mind became a little more open and I began to understand the world, I've gotten really depressed.

In my second-to-last year of high school I started suffering from depression and anxiety. I've been battling it ever since but last year it hit me really really hard. I almost dropped out of college because I didn't want to attend class since there were too many people and I was afraid of what people would say about the way I dress- not how a traditional lady would. Sucks right? It's okay, I appeared at my exams after months of disappearing.

I've also really distanced myself from people, exactly why I have no friends. I'd say I have friends but they always talk about themselves and their lives and their problems and never ask me how I was doing. What is the original definition of a friend anyway?

Lately, I could feel, I could feel it - all the faking, the crying on the inside, the watching lesbian movies, the gay rights campaign, everything is catching up to me. I've lost the energy to pretend and I'm scared someone will notice the real me. The clothes I always wanted to wear seem to not satisfy society these days ,i.e, plain hoodie, jeans and sneakers, that's it [the society is very traditional]. I've been getting really angry at people and I snap sometimes. I hate it, it's not me.

Well to be honest, it's my thoughts that were hidden deep down that are starting to seep out so it is me but it's not how I want people to see me. 

It's kinda tough now but we'll see how I'll get through this mountain of a hurdle.

I'll try my best!!!

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